The “180 Rule” Part 1

Ladies, face it. Men love looking at women. We’re visual creatures; and that’s how God made us.

The ginormous Victoria’s Secret window displays aren’t made for you; but rather for men to salavate over in passing. Why? Think about it. Your man or some other guy sees what some marketing genius defines as “sexy,” and then you see the affect it has on men. You then decide that you want to create the same effect. So, what do you do? You pay for the illusion of “sexy” just to make him happy. You make an emotional decision instead of an informed decision.

“What’s wrong with that, Focused Man? I want to look sexy and be attractive.” I understand. I get it. Men like beautiful women, but they also like gorgeous cars. However, after awhile, cars get traded in for new ones once they lose their value. Ponder that truth for a moment.

Now before you send me hate email, hear what I’m saying.

I’m sure you would agree that most women would prefer that their man only stare at them and find them attractive instead of some other woman, right? Of course. Ladies, you want to feel like #1. There’s nothing wrong with that. But how many times have you lived or witnessed this scenario: the woman says to her boyfriend, “So, who were you checking out just now? Don’t lie. I saw you looking at that @#!%$’s butt!” Whoa! The guy tries to deny it, but knows he got caught…again. Same situation. Different day. Different woman. Same cycle.

You see; guys develop wandering eyes over time, and become good at it because we subconsciously practice it every day. I recently read an online article which stated that men spend about 43 minutes a day staring at 10 different women. For some guys, this may be on the low end. I believe that this amount of daily intake causes a man to develop “eye muscle memory.” Basically, a man’s eyes get programmed to check out women a certain, which gets locked into his memory vault. The looking becomes an automatic idiosyncrasy. This briefly explains why most men develop a staring pattern, which for some grows into a staring problem.

For example, when a man zeros in on an attractive woman walking toward him, because his eyes have been trained to stare at specific parts of her body in sequential order, he “sizes her up” in a matter of seconds. He rates her physique from 1 to 10; 10 equalling “hot chick” status. When she walks passed him, the visual information he gathered filters through his mental computer, and then he is compelled to turn around to gather more information: legs, thighs, calves, hair…the list goes on. He smiles and may fantasize for a moment, and then keeps it moving. And, if a woman is very appealing, and if he spends too much time looking at her, she may permanently get added to his mental vault.

The good thing is, some men recognize that there is a problem. Unfortunately, they simply may not have the right practical tools to fix it. Is there any real help for the many tempted men out there? Can those who truly want to change, actually change? Yes!

For those of us who choose to purify our eyes, the key is to break our visual habits and end the cycle. It is possible; but how? I call it the “180 Rule.” 

{To be continued…}

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Fatherhood: The Path of Hard Decisions

Crossroad of Decisions

Part of my life is spent in hotel rooms and rental cars. Week after week, I check in at airports and sleep in foreign beds. Being away from my family has become an unfortunate norm. Work.

Some people would love to travel and see the world as much as I do. Hopping from city to city to them would be an exciting adventure. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy traveling…sometimes.

Honestly, there are times when I don’t enjoy criss-crossing the globe. Like the times when I see the look of disappointment on my children’s faces when I have to break the news about me traveling somewhere for the weekend. It breaks my heart all of the time when they sigh. It tears me apart.

Recently, my son said, “Daddy, maybe we can do something as a family this weekend.” He said it with such excitement. His eyes were lit wide open. Mind you, he said this after I had come back from Washington, DC. My wife was in Cleveland, Ohio and on her way to Nashville, Tennessee, this after having come back from Toronto, Canada the week before.

His shoulders and head drooped when I told him, “Son, I have to be in Cleveland this weekend.”  He was sad and so was I.

That scene has been replaying in my head ever since. I hate disappointing my kids. I grew up with lots of empty promises and had my share of bouts with disappointment.

It’s 6:42 am as I write this blog entry. I’m in Cleveland. Today is my son’s second football game. I missed his first game, and will now miss his second. Bummer. He didn’t do so well at the first game. He was a little nervous. Daddy, his twin, his hero wasn’t there.

As for today, my prayer is that he fights through the pressure to sit on the sidelines, and plays to the best of his ability. He’s a great athlete, and an even greater student of life. It’s hard being away from my wife and kids today.

I know I usually write something inspirational to help men stay focused. My goal is to lead men to the crossroad of decision, and help them choose the route God has destined for them.

But today, I’m simply a husband and father who travels the path of hard decisions.

Downtown Atlanta in Night Motion

Downtown Atlanta in Night Motion

Originally uploaded by Focused Man Photography

There are times when as a photographer, whether a pro or a novice, you have to go with your gut feeling…no matter the time of day or location.

With that said, my gut told me to hit the streets late one night and photograph Atlanta in motion. So I did. I’m an adventure freak; a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy…always have been.

This photo was taken on the top deck of a parking garage overlooking the Georgia Connector, a merging point for Interstate highways I-85 & I-75 in Atlanta, GA. Locals may recognize the famous (or infamous) Varsity restaurant in the distance toward the left. The Varsity is notorious for their good but greasy hamburgers and fries. (That’s an oxymoron: “good but greasy”). I’ve never had my gut tell me to eat there.

Motion photography is very interesting. Capturing life as it moves is an awesome thing. There’s nothing like wielding the power of freeze frame.

This Atlanta-in-motion shot was taken some time after midnight one Friday. Atlanta wasn’t sleeping that night. People were on the move. “I wonder where they’re headed” could be a nice subtitle to this photo.

The next time you find yourself really busy heading somewhere to perform your daily routine, pause midstream to capture the essence of the moment. That may mean taking a photo of something memorable, entering a note in your journal, or simply stopping to enjoy the moment. “Stop and smell the roses” wherever you are in the world.

Life is an entity. It breathes. It exists. It takes on various shapes and sizes. It just is. Life, some say, is what you make it. The only way I know to do that is to seek help from its Creator. I can of my own self do nothing without the presence of the Creator. For me, creativity exudes and flourishes in His presence.

When I took this photo, He wasn’t on my mind to be quite honest. But looking back at this frozen moment in time, I now realize that God was there watching me. I’m grateful that He’s always there. You?

Stay focused!
-Oscar
aka “The Focused Man”

21 Characteristics of a Distracted Man

1. He is easily sidetracked.

2. He is convinced that he has it all together when in reality he doesn’t.

3. He is convinced that he only has a few issues that he can handle, and believes that he is “good to go.”

4. He believes that his life is heading in the right direction because of all the doors of opportunity that open for him, when in reality he’s making mistakes along the way.

5. He spends little to no time developing a relationship with God.

6. He is vulnerable to temptations.

7. He deals with his insecurities by joining social networks, but still remains insecure.

8. He is constantly busy doing many things that only he thinks are important, and he thinks that’s a good thing.

9. He allows just about anyone to speak into his life and influence his decisions.

10. He is often tired and frustrated with his life.

11. He rarely takes time to develop positive friendships with other men, especially Christian men.

12. He fails to deal with the root causes of his problems.

13. He may be a Christian who attends church on occasion, but he secretly longs for the “good old days” of sin and pleasure.

14. He envies the worldly lifestyle…the world’s money, the world’s fame and yes the world’s women!

15. He jumps from relationship to relationship, and he’s still unhappy and still unfulfilled.

16. He’s a double-minded man who seems to never make progress in life.

17. He starts multiple businesses, but isn’t successful at any.

18. He is pessimistic and often compares himself with other men, and rarely recognizes his strengths.

19. He doesn’t know the will of God for his life and doesn’t know how to seek it.

20. He allows his relationships to hinder his spiritual growth and commitment to God.

21. He’s living in deception but doesn’t realize it.

Creating Good Memories for Your Family

I travel ALOT! …sometimes weekly. My career requires that I commute often to help my organization make a global impact in the lives of people. I get to meet new people,  and explore cities and states I once dreamed of visiting. That’s what I’ve wanted to do ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Well, not quite that young, but you get my point.

With all the traveling and changing the world, comes time away from my family, especially my children. Sure, they understand. They know that what I’m doing is important. But, does that mean they’re okay with it? Is my wife really okay with it?

Cheating the Family

I’m reading an excellent book: “Choosing to Cheat: Who Wins When Family and Work Collide” by Andy Stanley. Don’t let the title scare you. The book isn’t about infidelity. Andy writes, “I have spent hundreds of hours with men and women who have cheated their families for the sake of their career goals…. Suddenly, their kids had withdrawn.”

I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine waking up one day as a successful professional, only to realize my wife and children are withdrawn from me. I can’t imagine being a stranger to them. Hugs and kisses turn to indifferent waves or simple “Hellos.” The warm “Daddy’s home!” turns into, “Oh, I forgot he was coming home today.”

Andy goes on to say, “Whereas work is task-related, the family is relationship focused. One is about doing, while the other is about loving. Work is about doing. Family is about being.”

This forced me to ask myself, “Who do you want to be for your family? Have you become so busy about doing great on the job, that you’ve become distracted from being a great husband and a great dad?”

I’ve made a decision to not sacrifice my family on the altar of career success. I want to be great at those things that matter to my family. Does that mean quit my job so that I can spend 100% of my time demonstrating my love? Of course not. The Good Book says, “If a man doesn’t work, he shouldn’t expect to eat.” I have mouths to feed, and movie tickets to buy on the weekends. I’m doing whatever it takes to impress upon my family that they are my #1 priority. Everything else I do is secondary. It isn’t always easy demonstrating that; but I’m getting better.

Fishing Memories

Growing up, my dad made me feel like I was important to him. He wasn’t the perfect dad, but he was always around. No he didn’t quite get involved in every detail of my life, but he was always around to encourage me to press forward with my dreams. I knew my dad loved me. He’s still around by the way. He still kisses me on the forehead whenever I visit him in Miami. He still asks me about my eating habits; still warns me about not trusting people; still reminds me to love my wife and kids. The list goes on and on and on.

My memories of life with my dad are good memories. I remember fishing with him near Key West Florida. I remember walking through a swarm of mosquitoes during that trip. It seemed like midnight while we walked along the shoreline of some beach before launching out into the ocean to go fishing. The mosquitoes were eating me alive. I guess that’s why I hate them now.

I remember one fishing trip when my dad inadvertently caught stingrays, instead of fish. Stingray after stingray were flopping around in that little “chapincito” my dad called our little boat in Spanish. My dad seemed larger than life to me and a man’s man while handling those stingray. Too bad we couldn’t keep them.

I have so many fond memories of my father.

Start Creating Today for Tomorrow

I want the same for my kids. I want them to one day say the same of me when they get my age. I’ve learned that this involves creating good memories in the present. What I do with my family today will impact their future.

Even as I’m writing this, my son Daniel is with me during one of my business trips to Los Angeles. During this trip, he flew on an airplane for the first time, and got to sit in the pilot’s seat and wear the pilot’s hat. Sure he’s missing a few days of school. But he’s experiencing what other kids only read about in books.

When Daniel becomes an adult, embarks on his career path, and starts a family of his own, I want him to recall this memory and smile. I want him to recall every single detail and share it with those closets to him.

I want my daughters to remember the day I kept them and their brother out of school to go bowling. They won’t focus on the skipping school part, but rather on the fact that Daddy had just come back from a long trip, and took time to do something special for us.

Remember, work is about doing. Family is about being!

A Dad’s Apology to #11

Below you’ll find a letter written to my son, Daniel who is 10 years old. It’s simply about a dad (me) coming to grips with the fact that I’m not spending quality time with my son like I should. Like many “good” dads, I’ve allowed work to get in the way. Dads, read on and let’s do better.

______________

Dad hugs and kisses his son

Daniel My Son,

I’m SO PROUD of you. You’re doing an awesome job in school. You’re hitting the books everyday. Kid, you’re pretty cool for a 5th grader.

By the way, I like how you’re handling the situation with the girl you like in school. She’s cute. Your mom and I like her. I like how you’re not letting her see you sweat, even though we know the real deal. Yea, she’s taller than you, and no, she doesn’t get giddy when you come around. But it’s okay.

Listen, I’ve had my share of weak-in-the-knees moments back in the day. In fact, I was afraid to talk to your mom when I first saw her. She had (and still does have) this “thing” about her that makes a guy get struck with awe.

Anyways. Last night when we where at the grocery store, I kept staring at you and smiling. I do that often, because you are a special kid, and I’m privileged to know you. I see me in you and so much more. I love you so much that you can’t imagine. Remember, “you’re my favorite kid Super Hero!”

The Apology

Well son, I have to apologize for something that I’ve failed to do. Recently, you started playing basketball. Every day I see how much being a part of something like Bball means to you and your confidence.

I’ve only been to one of your practices, and none of your games. Sad. For that I apologize. I’ve allowed work to get in the way. Yes; I’m working on a MAJOR project. But nothing is greater than spending time with you when you need me the most. Projects will come and go, but you and me kid, are forever.

Your mom told me what you said Saturday while I was at work. “Mommy, I miss daddy.” Man, that broke my heart son.

Fixing the Net

Well, I’m fixing it NOW! My dad, your “grandpapa” was always in my life and demonstrated love constantly. Unfortunately, I don’t ever recall him getting involved in my extra curricular activities. Yes, he was proud that I was achieving great things, but I now realize that I needed his involvement more than anything. A dad’s involvement is worth more than dollars and cents. My “Pursuit of Happyness” means nothing if you’re not happy in the pursuit of yours.

Daniel, my twin, I’m making a commitment to being a better dad. I’ll attend your games and practices to cheer you on, and build you up. What I do better today, will help you tomorrow when you need it the most.

#11, I look forward to seeing you wear your jersey and new BBall sneakers. I’ll be the extra-excited dad with the digital camera snapping pictures while you’re running up and down the court with kids twice your size. I’ll be there to capture the moment. By the way, let’s work together to fix the basketball net at home. It’s long overdue!

Son, I love you!

Your #1 Fan,

Daddy

The Deception of Progress vs. The Reality of Progress

There are times when we men must fess up to the reality of where we are in life. No better time than now. From our relationships to our hurts; from our frustrations to our fears; from our finances to our sex lives, let’s be real.

Listen, a lot of guys are good at putting up a front. After all, we have reputations to protect, right? C’mon guys. We have to change the way we think. Why? So we can change the way we live.

It’s time to stop deceiving ourselves. The private lives of most guys is not that painting they put on display in their public galleries. It’s a mask of deception.

Behind Closed Doors

We have to be men of integrity…in public and behind closed doors. Yes; we’re making progress in certain areas of our lives. But what about the one area that we gloss over in discussions, or keep hidden all together? I’m talking about the issues that some guys are embarrassed about.

Okay. Enough. This isn’t a beat down blog post. Instead, think of it as a pick-me up, if you prefer. I recognize the hurt men often try to hide. I’ve been there and yes, done that…plenty of times.

Men, let’s make real progress in those areas where we’re falling short. You know what they are.

How? Simple.

1. Start a journal to track your progress (which most guys hate)
2. Confess the truth about you to you (which most guys don’t)
3. Change your crappy habits (which most guys really need to do)
4. Get rid of your no-progress-making friends (which most guys have a lot of)
5. Study the lives of progress-making people in the area you’re struggling with (which most guys don’t do enough of)
6. Adopt a mentor (which most guys don’t have)
7. Avoid camping out for too long after small victories (which most guys tend to do)
8. Turn to God (which ALL guys should do)

Stay focused!

-Oscar Camejo Jr.